As a nice way to start this website off, I decided to pay homage to one of my favorite sports writers Bill Simmons and write a running diary as I watched the 2012 Royal Rumble. Simmons borrowed the idea from Normal Chad, so I won’t lose any sleep over using the format. The Royal Rumble, along with The Super Bowl and first weekend of the Men’s NCAA Basketball Championship, remains my favorite events in all of sports to watch. The anticipation every 90 seconds, awaiting the next wrestler to make his way to the ring, can’t be beat. Enjoy.
8:05 pm: Welcome the the 2012 edition of the Royal Rumble!!!
8:05 pm: The World Heavy Weight Champion Daniel Bryan makes his entrance to the ring before the two challengers. That’s never a good sign. Bryan might be looking at a short reign as Champion.
8:09 pm: It’s safe to say that none of these three will still be holding the championship belt come WrestleMania. I’m sure one of the runner ups tonight from the group of Orton, Sheamus, and Barrett will take control of the title at the Elimination Chamber PPV.
8:10 pm: Our announcers for tonight’s action, Michael Cole, Jerry “The King” Lawler, and Booker T.
8:12 pm: The first match is between Daniel Bryan, Big Show and Mark Henry. It’s a steel cage match where pin fall or exit from the cage secures a victory.
8:13 pm: The crowd is behind Daniel Bryan early on. WWE fans have showed big support for the likes of Daniel Bryan, Zack Ryder, and CM Punk in recent months which has led to the WWE brain trust putting titles around the waists of all three. The formula for success in the WWE is easy. Win over the crowd, make the company money, and you’ll be headlining events.
8:19 pm: Holding out hope that Big Show and/or Mark Henry attempt a maneuver off the top of the cage in this match. There are only so many ways they can pancake each other and Bryan between their bodies and the cage.
8:20 pm: As I was typing that Big Show made his way to the top of the cage chasing Bryan as he attempted to escape.
8:21 pm: Bryan just won in curious fashion. It looks as if Big Show was supposed to lift Bryan back into the ring with one arm but lost his grip. Regardless, I’m sure all three of these competitors will be competing in the Elimination Chamber, so no lose in attempting such a maneuver.
8:25 pm: First promo of the night. John Cena vs. The Rock at WrestleMania is the subject of the promo. The WWE has completely embraced the divide between the fans on Cena. At least they’re not ignoring it anymore. They’re even making money selling Cena Sucks t-shirts.
8:28 pm: Up next, a 4 on 4 woman’s tag match.
8:30 pm: Just found out that Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka and Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart have daughters competing in this match. Thinking of those two, I love wrestlers who have real names with nicknames attached such as "Ravishing" Rich Rude, "The Model" Rick Martel, "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase, and "Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig. God I miss the 80's.
8:32 pm: Michael Cole just compared the Bella Twins to Harlem Heat, I couldn’t agree more. Sadly, no comment from Booker T though.
8:34 pm: The WWE needs to liven up the Woman’s Division and by liven up I mean Kelly Kelly needs to pose for Playboy.
8:36 pm: And that’s finally done. Beth Phoenix pinned Kelly Kelly for those keeping score at home.
8:38 pm: We have a Zack Ryder sighting backstage. Ryder is sporting a neck/chest brace after the assault he received at the hands of Kane on Monday Night Raw. A little background on Ryder, he’s a Jersey Shore look alike who became a huge crowd favorite and his catch phrase is Woo Woo Woo!! I’m pretty sure he’s sole purpose tonight is to take another beating from Kane.
8:43 pm: Less than a minute into Cena vs. Kane we have alternating let’s go Cena/Cena sucks chants. I can’t remember a more polarizing star in WWE history.
8:46 pm: The WWE writers have had some weird “embrace the hate” storyline going on with the resident superhero John Cena.
8:48 pm: With Kane bringing back his mask, I can’t help but think of the Undertaker. Speaking of the Undertaker, he’s due for an appearance either tonight or this week to start the buildup for WrestleMania.
8:53 pm: So the match ended in a double count out. Cena and Kane have brought the fight backstage.
9:00 pm: After assaulting Cena with a steal chair, Kane bust down the door to Ryder’s dressing room. Kane uses his new finishing move, which is basically Mr. Socko, to knock Ryder out before wheeling him to the ring. I’m pretty sure they could have come up with a better finishing move for Kane. Cena attempts to rescue Ryder to no avail. Kane exits with the bodies of both Ryder and Cena left motionless in the ring. Unfortunately this story line doesn’t appear over.
9:02 pm: As I mentioned the three earlier, I’m guessing tonight’s Rumble winner comes from the group of Randy Orton, Sheamus, or Wade Barrett. Also I’m holding out hope that the WWE has some nice surprise entries in store for us tonight. Last year they brought out Kevin Nash as Diesel and Booker T. That was a slight upgrade over the likes of Honky Tonk Man and Hacksaw Jim Dugan. Who knows, maybe we’ll get to see a non-roster guy such as Batista or Goldberg make an appearance or even someone on the roster such as HHH or the Undertaker.
9:05 pm: More Cena vs. The Rock promos. This one focuses on The Rock. Brief background on his family and WWE roots along with trailers for his current movie projects. Ticket sales to The Rock’s movies must have been hurting for him to come back to WWE. I have a feeling the crowd is going to have to carry this match at WrestleMania.
9:09 pm: Looks like I was right. That World Heavy Weight Championship match ended quicker than expect. WWE just added a filler match between Drew McIntyre and Brodus Clay. For some reason WWE and its fans can’t get enough of fat guys dancing. Rikishi anyone?
9:10 pm: Some of the loudest cheering tonight with Funkasaurus chants right off the bat.
9:11 pm: And it’s over. Brodus Clay channeling his inner Ultimate Warrior by using more energy on his ring entrance than on the match itself.
9:20 pm: WWE Champ CM Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler with guest referee, Raw GM John Laurinaitis. These are two of the better athletes in the WWE today. Good to see the WWE putting some of their weight behind performers with similar skills sets to a Shaun Michaels or a Chris Jericho. It’s always more entertaining to see a high flying fast paced match than two giants putting each other in headlocks and arm bars.
9:26 pm: Ziggler’s manager, Vickie Guerrero has been ejected from ringside by Laurinaitis. Also Laurinaitis has elected to observe from outside the ring while having an actually WWE official call the match in the ring. Is the WWE actually willing to have a bad guy (Ziggler) win the title in a fair and even match?
9:26 pm: The referee has been knocked out. Booker T – “referee totally out of position there”. You think? Thanks for the in depth analysis.
9:37 pm: CM Punk managed to cover Ziggler three times while the referee was being attended to by Laurinaitis outside of the ring. Classic WWE.
9:40 pm: Ziggler pulled off the move of the night so far with a great counter to the "Go to Sleep" from CM Punk. He managed to twist his body and did a leg drop onto the back of Punk’s neck. Punk recovers and wins the match to retain his title with the GM calling it down the middle. Possible the most boring collection of undercard matches in recent memory.
9:45 pm: It’s finally time for the Royal Rumble to get started! We start with two competitors in the ring with another being added every 90 seconds. We already know that the Miz will be the first competitor in the ring tonight.
9:49 pm: #2 - C.T. from the real world Paris.
9:50 pm: #2 - Alex Riley, the Miz’s former protégé.
9:52 pm: Well Riley didn’t make it 90 seconds. 29 left.
9:53 pm: #3 – R-Truth, it appears we’re watching an episode of This Is Your Life with guest the Miz. John Morrison next? Perhaps Coral?
9:57 pm: #4 Cody Rhodes, #5 Justin Gabriel, #6 Primo. R Truth was just tossed by the Miz. Looking like he might have a long stay in the Rumble tonight.
9:59 pm: #7 - Mic Foley!!! Primo falls victim to Foley. Glad to see WWE give a Hall of Famer like Foley another moment in the Rumble.
10:00 pm: #8 - Alberto Del Rio. Check that. It’s his ring announcer on his behalf, Ricardo Rodriguez. FYI, the Miz is currently watching the action from ringside, using one of the staple moves of the Royal Rumble, after going under the bottom rope and being “knocked out” by R-Truth.
10:02 pm: #9 – Santino. Right off the bat we get the epic showdown of Santino vs. Ricardo. Adios Ricardo.
10:04 pm: Cobra vs. Mr. Socko. Well played WWE. That’s two Mr. Socko references tonight. For those who took the over, congrats.
10:04 pm: #10 – Epico. Welcome and goodbye. Foley, Santino, Rhodes and Miz are still in the ring.
10:05 pm: Santino has been eliminated with Mic Foley right behind him...
10:06 pm: #11 – Kofi Kingston. Kingston wrestles under a Jamaican moniker but the announcers always make a point of saying he’s from South Africa. Tighten it up WWE
10:07 pm: #12 – Jerry “The King” Lawler.
10:08 pm: and the king is dead.
10:08 pm: #13 – Ezekiel Jackson, our first "larger than any human you will ever see in life" entry. Good to see WWE’s wellness program doing its job.
10:12 pm: #14 Jinder Mahal and #15 The Punjabi Playboy himself, The Great Khali. You can always count on one or two sets of rivals squaring off during the Rumble to set a storyline involving them going forward. I feel sorry for viewers of Smackdown who will get to see lots of Mahal vs. Khali going forward. Out goes Mahal with Jackson not far behind.
10:13 pm: #16 - Ludaco????? No reaction from the crowd at all. I can’t find anything on WWE’s website pertaining to him. For those of you reading, Ludaco came to the ring on a low rider bicycle along with his apparent tag team partner. You got to love the WWE, where racist stereotypes are still fair game.
10:15 pm: #17 – Booker T. So we’ve had a manager and two of our announcers among the first 17 competitors. I can’t imagine Michael Cole being far behind.
10:16 pm: I stand corrected, Kofi Kingston just pulled off the move of the night. While both feet need to touch the floor to be eliminated, Kingston just touched the floor with both hands. Kofi succeeded in walking across the floor on both hands and reached the ring stairs thus staying in the match. Not as impressive as John Morrison launching himself onto the barricade a year ago, but still noteworthy. We might need to get an official ruling from WWE, two hands equals one foot? God only knows about an elbow.
10:16 pm: #18 – Dolph Ziggler, making his second appearance of the night. WWE must be seriously short on talent right now.
10:17 pm: Somehow someone named Ludaco is still in the ring???!!!!
10:18 pm: #19 – Hacksaw Jim Dugan. Hooooooooo!!!!!!! With this being the 25thanniversary of the Rumble, no surprise the first winner reappears to a round of USA cheers.
10:19 pm: Goodbye Hacksaw. The Great Khali and Booker T go out together shortly afterwards.
10:20 pm: #20 – Michael Cole. So the entire announcing team gains entry into tonight’s Rumble. This is sad.
10:21 pm: #21 – Kharma. She is the third female entry into the Rumble in WWE history. Kharma follows in the footsteps of Chyna and Beth Phoenix.
10:22 pm: Michael Cole just climbed over the top rope to avoid Kharma and his announcing partners did us all a favor by pulling him to the floor. It’s time to go back to announcing boys.
10:23 pm: Ludaco is finally knocked out by Kharma. We now know why someone named Ludaco was involved tonight; someone had to get thrown out by the woman entry. Dolph Ziggler show’s her the door immediately afterwards.
10:23 pm: #22 – Sheamus. Sheamus sends Kingston packing leaving the Miz, Ziggler, Rhodes and Sheamus in the ring.
10:24 pm: #23 – “The Road Dogg” Jesse James.
10:25 pm: Oh you didn’t know??!!!
10:25 pm: Your ass better call somebody!!! DX is in the house. The Road Dogg just pulled off an array of moves while the crowd serenated him with chants of “You Still Got It!!!”
10:26 pm: #24 – Jey Uso. Michael Cole just informed the audience the Uso is the son of Rikishi. I’m getting old. Also that makes two Mr. Socko and two Rikishi references. I’m also dating myself.
10:27 pm: #25 – Jack Swagger. The All-American American. I think it’s time to change Swagger’s gimmick. Perhaps make him the guy who has size and talent but drinks and parties rather than work hard at his craft so his career never advances. Seems like something he could pull off. A little life imitating art imitating life…
10:29 pm: #26 – Wade Barrett. Barrett sends the Road Dogg packing. The King – “Oh you didn’t know, it’s time to go.” Poetry King.
10:30 pm: #27 – David Otunga. Otunga’s WWE character is based 100 percent on his real life where he is a graduate of Harvard Law School and married to singer and actress Jennifer Hudson. Even if I didn’t have the internet to verify these things I’d have to believe them because no one in WWE’s creative department is smart enough to come up with that on their own. I’m looking at you Michael Hayes.
10:32 pm: #28 – The Legend Killer. The Viper. Randy Orton. On his way to the ring, Michael Cole reminded everyone at home that St. Louis, the host of tonight’s event, is the hometown of Orton. Whether it was Shaun Michael’s in San Antonio winning the iron man match or CM Punk winning the title in Chicago, the WWE loves bringing wrestlers to their hometown’s to pick up big wins.
10:33 pm: Orton makes quick work of Uso and Barrett. That leaves us with 9 wrestlers left tonight if I’m counting correctly.
10:34 pm: #29…the lights are out. BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!!! Y2J makes his return to WWE competition. Jericho sends Otunga packing. We have one more entrant into the Rumble tonight. I’m pumped hoping for a surprise here.
10:35 pm: #30 – The Big Show. Big disappointment. That makes two guys coming back from earlier matches to compete in the Rumble tonight. Show eliminates Swagger without even entering the ring. Big show then makes quick work of the Miz and Rhodes, knocking them out at the same time. Ziggler becomes Big Show’s next victim seconds later. Michael Cole tries to keep up and rattle off the Big Shows career number of combatants eliminated in the Royal Rumble. I’m pretty sure I heard 25 somewhere in there.
10:37 pm: We are down to the Final Four. Big Show, Chris Jericho, Sheamus and Orton. Nice mix of youth and veterans.
10:38 pm: To no one’s surprise, we get a triple team on Big Show. Orton manages to throw Big Show out on his own. Much to the crowd’s disappointment, Jericho throws Orton over the top rope after Big Show hits the floor.
10:39 pm: Y2J vs. Sheamus for a title shot at WrestleMania. I can see both of these wrestlers fighting for titles at WrestleMania this year. Best match ups being Y2J vs. CM Punk for the WWE Championship and perhaps a triple threat match between Sheamus, Randy Orton and Wade Barrett for the World Heavyweight Championship. Not likely, but I can hope. I can also hope that the action continues for 15 minutes or so much like the HBK vs. Undertaker conclusion to the 2007 Royal Rumble.
10:43 pm: Y2J showing why he may be the 2ndbest athlete in WWE history behind HBK. Sheamus is doing more than holding his own as well. Both wrestlers alternate near eliminations. On a side note, I watched the WWE documentary Breaking the Code: Behind the Walls of Chris Jericho the other day. Definitely worth checking out even if you’re not Jericho fans.
10:45 pm: Sheamus is going to WrestleMania. With Jericho outside the ropes holding on, Sheamus used a Brogue Kick to send Jericho to the floor. For those who weren’t keeping track at home we had…8 entries that fall under the comic relief/old timers’ category, 1 female, 6 lower tier wrestlers, and 15 WWE Superstars. It won’t go down as the greatest night in WWE history but the Royal Rumble still remains one of the most compelling and exciting events in all of sports.
