7:58 PM – Thanks for tuning in for my 4th annual Royal Rumble running diary. Coming into this year’s Royal Rumble, Roman Reigns is the clear favorite. While there doesn’t seem to be much debate in that, we should have some excitement in how they handle the triple threat title match. Will someone finally beat Brock Lesnar? Will Seth Rollins cash in his money in the bank after the match concludes? I need answers.
8:01 PM - Welcome to the 28th annual Royal Rumble broadcasting live from Philadelphia!
8:01 PM – Oh you didn’t know? The New Age Outlaws are opening the show. Both Jesse James and Billy Gunn are wearing Philly Phanatic hats. Good start. Hopefully it helps to keep the crowd from turning on the show like we saw last year in Pittsburgh.
8:03 PM – And their opponents, The Ascension, two guys in face paint and shoulder pads. I guess someone in creative took a suggestion that WWE needed someone like Legion of Doom a bit too serious. Oh well. It’s time for us to watch a new team to get a push from the vets.
8:07 PM – Watching this match I can’t help but think about how far the WWE tag team division has fallen. There was a time where tag team action was a great place to develop new talent or even rebrand a character in need of a change. The good news is that in recent months it appears the WWE is trying to rebuild the division. I hope it works out that way.
8:11 PM – We have a winner. Michael Cole just announced the Ascension with their first major victory. We’ll have to see how many more will follow.
8:12 PM – Current promo is for a WWE version of Mortal Kombat called Immortals. I rather play a WWE version of Tetris.
8:18 PM – Up next, more tag team action. This time it’s for the title belts. The Miz and Mizdow square off against our champions, The Usos.
8:20 PM – The Mizdow gimmick has been fabulous. I hope they win back the belts just to see Mizdow carrying around the replica belts. Not likely but I can hope. Also, I’m not sure how many guys on the current roster could have pulled off the stunt double routine. First class performance by Mizdow.
8:24 PM - I’m hoping the inevitable Miz & Mizdow break up leads to a matchup between the two at WrestleMania. That match up would be a great way to kick of WrestleMania and ensure the crowd is warmed up.
8:29 PM - Speaking of WrestleMania, if I was booking the event, I would have Daniel Bryan vs Brock Lesnar for the WWE Championship. Roman Reigns vs Seth Rollins vs Dean Ambrose in a triple threat match to determine the number one contender. John Cena vs Rusev for the US title. Miz vs Misdow. HHH vs Sting. From what I’m hearing we’re going to see Bray Wyatt face the Undertaker. Yep. The dead man is coming back.
8:31 PM – Back to the action, your winners and still tag team champions, The Usos.
8:36 PM – Here come the Bella Twins. I’m so glad Nikki Bella got breast implants. Now I can finally tell her and Brie apart.
8:37 PM – Their opponents, Natalya and Paige. Side rant, bear with me. Paige’s entrance music, along with many of the other new entrance songs, are just 30 seconds of chorus that plays on repeat. What the hell WWE? I need at least three verses and a chorus preferable written with accurate descriptions of my favorite wrestlers’ personalities. Imagine if Hulk Hogan’s entrance music just told you he was a Real American who fights for the rights of every man over and over again. You would never know if you hurt his friends if you hurt his pride he’s got to be a man and can’t let it slide. Rant over.
8:43 PM – Fun in ring moment. Natalya just had Nikki on her shoulders preparing for a back body drop when you can clearly hear Natalya instructing Nikki to grab her hair so they could safely perform the move. I’ll accept it. Always remember, safety first ladies.
8:47 PM – And it’s over. Nikki and Brie just took turns beating on Natalya. Sorry but nothing exciting to report here. Is it time for the Triple threat match yet?
8:48 PM – Promo for what amounts to Rock em Sock em wrestlers. I think I may need to take five and create my own match between Hulk Hogan and Mr. Wonderful. For those of you looking for the actual name of this playset in the promo, its WWE Double Attack and total takedown figures. You’re welcome. Also, those who had over 1.5 Hulk Hogan references tonight are the real winners.
8:55 PM – Triple threat time!!! Sing it with me…John Cena Sucks. John Cena Sucks. John Cena Sucks. John Cena Sucks. No surprise that Philadelphia is booing Cena.
8:57 PM – Mr. Money in the Bank. Seth Rollins.
8:58 PM - The Beast Incarnate. You’re WWE World Heavyweight Champion. Brock Lesnar.
8:59 PM - JBL is rattling off Lesnar’s resume, starting with his high school wrestling record. JBL always goes the extra mile with his research. Thank you Mr. Layfield, thank you.
9:00 PM – Basically equal support from the crowd for Rollins and Lesnar. Should be interesting to see when these two square off how the crowd reacts.
9:02 PM – Do you want to know how awesome Brock Lesnar is right now? He uses one basic move, in the German suplex, and it’s devastating. If any other wrestler repeated this in a similar manner, he would get booed without mercy. I hope he stays with WWE beyond WrestleMania. There is some much that they could still do with his character going forward.
9:07 PM – Cena sets up Rollins for You can’t see me. Actually Cena can’t see Lesnar. Yet another German suplex. Classic WWE.
9:09 PM – More feats of strength from Lesnar. Rollins spring boarded from the top rope only to be caught by Lensar and given an F-5. This guy is something to behold.
9:11 PM – Curb stomp from Rollins on Lesnar only to have Cena break up the count. Action is picking up folks. Hold on to your butts.
9:12 PM – Lesnar just slipped out of the ring for a breather. No breaks here. Cena drove him through the barrier into the ring announcer area. That didn’t work. Cena tries the steal steps. Better, closer, warmer. Still not good enough though. Lesnar ended up on the announcers table and here comes Rollins off the top rope. It’s a move we’ve seen a hundred times before but Rollins was still impressive with his execution. The future is bright for Seth Rollins.
9:17 PM – Cena vs Rollins while Lesnar gets a breather. I’m going to take a guess that the Champ is down but not out.
9:19 PM – Rollins was just rescued from a STFU by his security team of Noble and Mercury. It always pays to have good help.
9:20 PM – In other news, Paul Heyman has been asking for medical assistance and the stretcher has arrived.
9:21 PM – More feats of strength. It’s Cena’s turn this time. With Noble and Mercury both on his shoulders, Cena delivers a double AA. AAAA or quad A, I suppose. He follows this up with one to Rollins. I would not like to read a stenographers recount of any John Cena match. AA AA Five Knuckle Shuffle STFU AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
9:22 PM – Michael Cole just informed the audience that Brock Lesnar has, at the least, a broken rib. I’m going to question his medical opinion here. I know Cole has to sell the fact that Lesnar is hurt to the audience but a broken rib? Come on Michael Cole, you’re better than that.
9:23 PM – Rollins is controlling the action. Cena just kicked out of cover after a curb stomp. In typical WWE fashion, when someone kicks out of your finishing move what do you do? Something bigger off course. Rollins is heading for the top rope.
9:24 PM – After performing some ridiculous flip off the top rope, Rollins’ cover was interrupted by Lesnar.
9:25 PM – One F-5 that Rollins back flipped out of, landing on his feet, just leads to another massive F-5. What an awesome finish and flurry of action which resulted in a Lesnar pinning of Rollins. The Beast is still your Champion.
9:28 PM – Rollins is left dazed in the ring clinging to the Money in the Bank briefcase. I hope he cashes it in at WrestleMania. How about that as a way to end the grandest stage of them all?
9:29 PM – Also, I’d be very happy with a Rollins vs Lesnar main event at WrestleMania. I know the WWE wants a typical good guy in that match but what better way to give Lesnar a run in that role then to have Triple H and the authority deem him unworthy as the face of the company and try to take the belt from him with their chosen disciple in Seth Rollins? I’d handicap the odds of this happening at say +2500. I’ve always been a fan of seeing the freakishly athletic wrestler face the giant with inhuman strength, ala Shawn Michaels vs Undertaker.
9:30 PM – Promo for a next month’s new PPV, WWE Fastlane. I wonder if they switched from the Elimination Chamber just because of Brock Lesnar. Perhaps they just decided it wasn’t a wise move to have uncertainty pertaining to who you champ will be at WrestleMania after Royal Rumble concludes. I’ll make sure to ask Triple H if I run into him.
9:32 PM – Promo for the Royal Rumble. I love the ideas of giving the statistics during the Royal Rumble promo but can we get some advanced metric stats? I mean come on. I know it’s the WWE, but I’m sure we could come up with some creative ones. We know Shawn Michaels has the most eliminations in Royal Rumble history but who has the most eliminations after entry number 30 has entered the ring? We’ll call that one EA30 (Eliminations after 30). How about how many other wrestlers are in the ring at the time of a particular wrestler’s elimination? Say someone like Big Show usually has several other wrestlers in the ring with him when he’s eliminated. Just making up numbers here but let’s put him at 12 career Rumbles with 53 men total in the ring at the points he was eliminated. That would give Big Show a 4.42 career DOE (Determinant of Elimination). Last one. I swear. It’s the best one as well. If we took the number at which you finished, giving a reverse value to the number at which you finished, 30 for the first man eliminated and 1 for the winner, averaged up the career finishes, with 1 being the best possible score and 30 being the worst, wouldn’t you determine who’s had the best and most consistent career in the Royal Rumble? Or at the least who’s had the ability to stay in the good graces of Vince and healthy the longest? I’m guessing Stone Cold or Hulk Hogan would have the best total here. I hope that was as fun for you as it was for me.
9:35 PM – Lilian Garcia is currently explaining the rule to the audience. I love that WWE does this as well.
9:36 PM - #1 – The Miz.
9:36 PM - There’s only one real question here. Is Mizdow number 2? I guess you could ask if The Miz is getting paid double tonight as well.
9:37 PM - #2 – R-Truth. What’s Up!!! What’s Up!!! One of these days I’ll look up the lyrics to R-Truth’s rap song. Today won’t be that day though.
9:40 PM - #3 – Bubby Ray Dudley. Well I didn’t see that coming. Are we going to get a tables, ladders, and chairs in the Royal Rumble now?
9:42 PM – The crowd is in the same mind set. The table chants have already started.
9:42 PM – #4 – Luke Harper. Before Harper could make it to the ring we have our first two eliminations at the hand of Bubba Ray. Thanks for participating Miz and R-Truth. Man, to think that the Miz went into WrestleMania as the Champ only a few years back. I might need to do some research on the worst choices to headline a WrestleMania. Don’t get me wrong, I like the Miz, but his career has really taken a nose dive.
9:44 PM - #5 – Bray Wyatt.
9:45 PM – Harper and Wyatt team up on Bubba Ray. The crowd wants Devon. Sorry. Not going to happen. Wyatt sends Bubba Ray packing.
9:46 PM - #6 – Curtis Axel.
9:46 PM – Check that. #6 - Erik Rowen. Rowen just stole Axel’s place in the Rumble. Axel now has the Perfect excuse as to why he didn’t win tonight. Look at me, with another Perfect pun. I’m on a role.
9:47 PM - It appeared for a second as if Harper and Rowen were going to double team Wyatt before it became every man for himself. I’m guessing someone screwed up and it didn’t happen. Wyatt tosses both of his henchmen. Wyatt stands alone.
9:48 PM - #7 – The Boogeyman.
9:49 PM – We got a 20 second weird off before The Boogeyman is sent packing. Waste of an entrance. But definitely better then Michael Cole in the ring.
9:50 PM - #8 – Sin Cara. WWE must sell an awful lot of luchador masks. That’s the only reason I can think of Sin Cara being in the Rumble.
9:51 PM – Adios Sin Cara.
9:51 PM – Wyatt has the mic in the ring sending an open invitation. I’m guessing he’s not going to like who he see’s next here.
9:52 PM - #9 – Zach Ryder. I guessed wrong.
9:53 PM – Two gems from JBL. First as Ryder was entering he informed us that no one has one from the #9 position, I’m guessing that will continue to hold true, and when Ryder was eliminated he let us know Sin Cara is Spanish for eliminated. Well done JBL.
9:54 PM - #10 – Daniel Bryan. YES! YES! YES!
9:54 PM – I have to ask, did Wyatt accidentally grab the mic one entrance early? My guess YES!!!
9:55 PM – Bryan is sending the crowd into a frenzy. Great move by the crowd at this point as well. We got the overhand YES point during the countdown to #11.
9:56 PM - #11 – Fandango.
9:57 PM - #12 – Tyson Kidd.
9:58 PM - #13 – Stardust.
9:58 PM – How many gimmicks has Cody Rhodes gone through in the past 5 years? Is he still going to be Stardust when Goldust finally hangs up the boots? I need to know.
9:59 PM – After eliminated Tyson Kidd, Daniel Bryan jumps through the ropes to hit Wyatt who already slipped under the bottom rope. I love when guys get a breather outside the ring during the Rumble or, even better, hide under the ring. The first Battle Royal I ever watched had The Mouth of the South Jimmy Hart win by hiding under the ring while the last two competitors in the ring knocked each other out simultaneously. For those curious about watching this I just did some quick research. It was a 22 man $50,000 battle royal in 1986. The last two competitors were Greg “The Hammer” Valentine and the Junk Yard Dog. You can purchase it here.
10:01 PM - #14 – DDP. Diamond Dallas Paige.
10:02 PM – We get a couple token diamond cutters and a reference to DDP Yoga from JBL. Everything is in order.
10:03 PM - #15 – Rusev.
10:03 PM - Time to clear some space. Rusev sends DDP and Fandango to an early exit.
10:04 PM – Side note. I love that Rusev is the US Champion. There’s nothing finer than when the WWE has a foreigner crap on the good old USA. I may be bias considering the Iron Shiek was the first wrestling villain on my youth.
10:05 PM – Bray Wyatt just eliminated Daniel Bryan. I did not see that coming and neither did the crowd.
10:06 PM - #16 – Goldust.
10:06 PM - I think reality just set in and the crowd in now realizing that Daniel Bryan was actually eliminated. Random boos for nothing followed by a Daniel Bryan chant. Are we getting a repeat from last year? Will the crowd boo the winner if it’s not Daniel Bryan? I hope not. If last year taught us anything it’s if you boo loud enough they’re winning to change any part of the storyline going forward.
10:08 PM - #17 – Kofi Kingston.
10:08 PM – Kofi is getting booed. This isn’t good. He’s your token Royal Rumble fan favorite. The Daniel Bryan chants continue. I can’t wait to hear how the announcers spin this.
10:09 PM - #18 – Adam Rose.
10:10 PM – Kofi just got tossed and was caught by the Rose buds (a collection of back stage Betty’s and groupies), who then carried him back into the ring. Right on cue Rusev tosses Adam Roses who is not tossed by the Rose Buds. Kofi is shown the door by Rusev moments later.
10:12 PM - #19 – Roman Reigns.
10:12 PM – The boos are raining down on Roman Reigns. Somewhere back stage Triple H just crapped in his pants.
10:13 PM – Goldust and Stardust and eliminated by Reigns. More boos. This isn’t looking good. Clearly the crowd knew that Roman Reigns was you likely winner and are directing their displeasure his way.
10:14 PM - #20 – Big E Langston.
10:15 PM - #21 – Damien Mizdow.
10:16 PM – The Miz just showed up to take Mizdow’s spot. Miz was knocked off the apron before he could enter and luckily Mizdow entered the ring. After a quick exit both Miz and Mizdow are left on the ground, ringside, with Miz showing his annoyance with Mizdow’s actions and Mizdow doing his stunt double routine. Hopefully the moment of humor gets the crowd to relax a bit.
10:17 PM - #22 – Jack Swagger.
10:18 PM – Back to back “We the People” chants. Maybe the city where the declaration of independence was signed can get behind a “Real American” and stop this boofest. Do it for Ben Franklin people.
10:19 PM - #23 – Ryback. The Big Guy. He looks hungry.
10:20 PM – I can’t be certain but it sounds like a CM Punk chant from the crowd. Sorry folks but that’s not happening tonight or anytime soon. On that note, I don’t watch my UFC, but I can’t wait to see CM Punk in the Octagon.
10:21 PM - #24 – Kane.
10:21 PM – Michael Cole just informed us that Kane is two eliminations shy of the Royal Rumble career record. Can I put money on that fact that he’ll get that tonight? Seriously. Cole doesn’t allude to things that aren’t certain to happen.
10:22 PM - #25 – Dean Ambrose. It appears we have a new fan favorite tonight. Sorry Jack Swagger.
10:23 PM - #26 – Titus O’Neil.
10:24 PM – Reigns and Ambrose sent O’Neil out in 4 seconds. Santino’s record is still intact. It was close though.
10:26 PM - #27 – Bad News Barrett.
10:26 PM – Currently nine wrestlers in the ring. It’s starting to get crowded.
10:27 PM - #28 – Cesaro. I’d love to know why Cesaro got buried on the card. I guess the “King of Swing” was getting to much pop as a heel.
10:29 PM – Big E is knocked out by Rusev making six eliminations for him tonight. I guess we know who’s getting the push tonight, Cena’s next adversary. Better luck than Umaga.
10:30 PM - #29 – Big Show.
10:30 PM – Kane and Big Show team up to eliminate Ryback and Swagger. The “we want Ziggler” chants have already begun. At least the crowd has been paying attention to who’s left to enter this year.
10:32 PM - #30 – Dolph Ziggler. Hold on a second, I need to put my “Stealing the show and your girlfriend” shirt on.
10:33 PM – Ok I’m set. Dolph enters with a fury and eliminated both Wade Barrett and Cesaro.
10:34 PM – Moments later Big Show gives Dolph a knockout punch. Kane and Big Show team up to eliminate Ziggler followed by Wyatt. Kane breaks the record. Thanks again for the inside information Cole.
10:36 PM – Kane and Big Show square off with Ambrose and Reigns, as the last four in the ring. Where the hell did Rusev go?
10:37 PM – Ambrose is slid over the top rope by Big Show and Kane. I got to say, I’m actually enjoying the use of the Authority working together in the Rumble. It would be better if these two giants were working together and also protecting someone such as Seth Rollins. Oh well. I’m sure they’ll break ranks soon enough.
10:40 PM – Right on cue, Big Show attempts to eliminate Kane while they both have Reigns teetering over the ropes.
10:41 PM – The Authority’s momentary lapse allows Reigns to gain the upper hand. In our final feat of strength of the night Reigns sends both Kane and Big Show over the top rope, using one arm per opponent to lift them up and over by their legs. WWE really loves trying to create supermen.
10:43 PM – The bell rings and Cole informs us that Roman Reigns is our 2015 Royal Rumble winner. But wait. It appears our crowd was paying closer attention than usual. While Kane and Big Show enter back into the ring to assault Reigns, the crowd serenades them with chants of “we want Rusev!”
10:45 PM – DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?!!!
10:46 PM – Rocky comes to the aid of Reigns but the booing continues. What the hell Philly? The Rock and Reigns clear Big Show and Kane from the ring and The Rock leaves Reigns to bask in the glory of his victory. But wait. There’s more.
10:47 PM – Rusev slides out from under the ring to no one’s real surprise only to be eliminated by a waiting Roman Reigns.
10:47 PM – Your 2015 Royal Rumble winner – Roman Reigns.
10:48 PM – The Rock is standing in the ring, raising the hand of Roman Reigns and the crowd continues to boo. Philadelphia has booed Santa Claus and now they’ve booed The Rock. Unbelievable. Maybe WWE shouldn’t hold Royal Rumble’s in Pennsylvania anymore.
10:50 PM – Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns at WrestleMania. I got to say, I feel bad for Reigns right now. It’s absurd to say that the guy who just won the Royal Rumble and is set to headline WrestleMania just got a shit deal but it’s true. He just went from a fan favorite to the villain and will probably get his title shot taken away from him much in the same way Bautista did last year after the Royal Rumble. Can we agree right now that next year’s Royal Rumble will be held in say St. Louis?
