The Simpsons Tapped Out Future Content

As a Tapped Out Addict, I frequently find myself considering what content I will eventually be able to add to my town from future updates.  Like with most of my musings, I decided to scour the internet hoping to quench my desire for useless knowledge.  Unfortunately for me, I was only able to find lists that were created in 2012 and have since seen all or most characters added to the game.  Luckily for you, I decided to make my own list.  Well, two lists actually.  The first list is of characters that would be part of a regular level update as free or premium items.  The second list contains characters that would work better as part of the Friend Points Rewards with no tasks or buildings associated.  Enjoy.

Free/Premium Characters

Honorable Mentions:  Frank Grimes, Lyle Lanley, Arthur Crandall & Gabbo, Ruth Powers, Captain Lance Murdoch, Janey Powell, Wendell Borton, Lindsay Naegle, Cookie Kwan and Stacey Lovell

15.  Artie Ziff:  Tell me, Homer, what's it like being married to Marge?

 



14.  Old Jewish Man:  Old grey mare she ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be.

13.  Mr. Bergstrom:  And for the record, there were a few Jewish cowboys. Big guys, who were great shots, and spent money freely.

12.  Mrs. Jacqueline Bouvier:  I have laryngitis. It hurts to talk. So I'll just say one thing...You never do anything right.

 

11.  Dr. Marvin Monroe:  This is not the way to get healthy!

10.  Akira:  You can if you believe you can.

9.  Helen and Jessica Lovejoy:  From now on, I'll use my gossip for good instead of evil.

8.  Lunch lady Doris/Dora Freedman:  The cafeteria staff is complaining about the mice in the kitchen. I want to hire a new staff.

7.  Lionel Hutz:  And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer.

6.  Herb Powell:  Now, what do I do? I mean, this is the guy who ruined me. Then again, he's my brother... So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?

5.  Bleeding Gums Murphy:  The blues isn't about feeling better. It's about making other people feel WORSE, and making a few bucks while you're at it.

4.  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:    I have no son!

3.  Stonecutter Number One:  And now for the final ordeal: The Paddling Of The Swollen Ass! With paddles.

 

2.  Radioactive Man and Fallout Boy:  Billowing backpacks Radioactive Man, it's the worst villian of them all, the Scoutmaster!  I see him, Fallout Boy.

 

1.  Troy McClure:  What a terrible waste... Hi, I'm actor Troy McClure! You might remember me from such driver's ed films as "Alice's Adventures Through The Windshield Glass" and "The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot." For the next sixty minutes, we'll be seeing actual film of car crash victims.

The greatest peripheral character The Simpsons has every seen, Troy McClure needs to be included in this game.  

Friend Points Rewards Characters

10.  Leon Kompowsky/Michael Jackson

 

So we have Calmwood Mental Hospital but no patients?  (As of now, Ned can't check in.)  Even though Leon/Michael was committed to the New Bedlam Insane Asylum, all Tapped Out Springfield's could use a good mental patient wandering the streets.    

9.  Lisa's Pony: Princess



Bart got Stampy, now it's only fair that Lisa gets her pony, Princess.  I loved the Godfather reference when Lisa woke up to pony head next to her in the episode Lisa's Pony.  The Simpsons' writers have always excelled in their references to cinema.

8.  Dr. Hector Von Colossus

Dr. Colossus first appeared as a photo of one of Malibu Stacey's (Stacey Lovell) ex-husbands and had his only line in Who Shot Mr. Burns?.  A very interesting character that the writers have refrained from using for whatever reasons.  Ideal for a Friend Points Reward.

7.  Corporal Punishment

The enforcer from the Krusty Show, Corporal Punishment seems like a more likely choice than Tina Ballerina for inclusion in Tapped Out.  Hopefully the game is around long enough that we get to see Sideshow Luke Perry.

6.  Stewart (Power Plant Duck)

Stewart was shown as an employee at the Nuclear Power Plant during the episode The Last Temptation of Homer which also introduced us to Mindy Simmons.  A duck in a hardhat would fit right in with this game.  Monty Burns still stands by his hiring practices.

5.  Sir Oinks-A-Lot

The mascot from Springfield A&M, Sir Oinks-A-Lot, would be the latest in a long line of animals and pets to be apart of The Simpsons: Tapped Out.  At some point, I'd like to see the college nerds included in the game as well.  

4.  The Devil

 



I know the game has a Ned Flanders version of the devil but I've always been partial to the version from Bart Gets Hit By A Car.  I guess the problem is that the devil has shown up with several different appearances through the years.

3.  Gunter & Ernst & Anastasia

 



I'm sure these three performers from Monty Burns Casino could work as regular level update characters if the casino was ever added.  Since we've already seen one casino (Caesar's Pow-Wow Casino), I find it unlikely that we'd get two.  So they get demoted to Friend Points Rewards status.     

2.  Bear

Since Bart and Lisa are covered, it's time for Maggie's own furry friend/friends.  Having a bear sucking on a pacifier seems just right for the Tapped Out streets.  Perhaps you'd be able to set the bear to a task of walking around with Maggie much like the episode The Call of the Simpsons from season 1.

1.  Rasputin The Friendly Russian & Professor Werner Von Brawn

 

One of my favorite minor moments from any episode is the scene in Bart the Daredevil where Homer (at Moe's) and Bart (at home) are watching the Rasputin vs. Von Brawn match and see the Truckasaurus commercial (I'd gladly pay 10,000,000 for Truckasaurus).  As a fan of both wrestling and monster trucks, this combination of the two within 2 minutes of television still amazes me over 20 years later. 

 

If you miss this, you'd better be dead... or in jail...And if you're in jail, break out!  

Just when you think you know the answers, I change the questions.

 

 

 

When starting this blog, I wanted to include a regular piece where I answered question, so when coming up with a title I took a page out of the playbook of one of the greatest talkers in wrestling history, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper.  If all goes according to plan, "Just when you think you know the answers, I changed the questions" will hopefully include some of the same hostility and aggression that Piper regularly displayed on Piper's Pit.   

 

 

 

Today's edition was specifically inspired by Chuck Klosterman's HYPERtheticals: 50 questions for insane conversation.  I found the questions to be more fun than insane and for those interested in checking them out, you can buy it here.  Here are two questions from Klosterman and my responses.     

 

 

1.Forever 75

 

You celebrate your 75th birthday in good health. As far as you can tell, you are a spry, relatively normal 75-year-old. And this condition does not seem to change over time: When you celebrate your 80th birthday, you look and feel exactly as you did on your 75th. When you hit 90, you still look and feel 75. On your 100th birthday, you realize that most of your friends are now dead or dying -- but physically, you are the same independent person you were 25 years ago. You hit age 110 with the same results. Every year, you are celebrating a new birthday without physically evolving beyond the age of 75. Doctors have no explanation for this inexplicable stasis.

How old would you have to be before you would start to seriously believe that you are immortal?

 

Let's start off with this.  I'm currently 33.  I'll be 75 in the year 2056.  That's pretty crazy to think about right there.  It feels weird even thinking about the year 2056.  So with some more simple math I'd be 110 in the year 2091.  Even crazier.    

The oldest recorded living person to this point lived to be 122.  Living to 122 would put me in the year 2103.  Life in the 22nd century.  Now let's consider something else, advances in technology and medicine.  That record of 122 is highly likely to be blown past well before I get there. 

Now, I’m sure if I end up being as vigorous and energetic at 90 as I was at 75 I would begin to mock death.  I'd have to crack some jokes about being a tenth of the way to Yoda's age when he died and knowing I was certainly heading for a life of 900 years or about how I figured I'd live forever but assumed it would be a life with my brain incased in the spider droid vessel of a B'omarr monk.  Joking aside, how old would I have to be to start seriously thinking I'm immortal?

125.  While the thought would have crept into my consciousness by the time I was 90, there would always have been doubt.  I have to think 50 years without showing any signs of aging would have me convinced I will live forever regardless of the advances made to halt the effects of aging. 

While I always thought I'd live forever, I figured it would be as a B'omarr monk.

 

 

2. Front Page News

 

Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity. These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week.

 

You are the front page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story?

 

Sasquatch.  There is no debating this and the logic is simple. 

Let's deal with the president first.  According to the statistics I found while researching this dilemma male patients with thyroid cancer have a 74% survival rate in the first five years and we don't even know the president has thyroid cancer.  He's just going for a biopsy which is an everyday occurrence.  Sorry Mr. President, you're not cracking the top 2 stories on this day.  He's gone.

Now to the real debate, BIGFOOT vs. NESSIE. 

First off, salt water oceans make up 71 percent of the earth’s surface.  We as humans are barely able to search the depths of the seas.  Hundreds of thousands of species are waiting to be discovered within the confines of the Earth’s oceans as you read this.  To bring current events into the equation, we can't find a single plane that is in the ocean and this plane was sending out a transmission to help locate it.  While improbable, the idea that a live Loch Ness Monster exists is still much greater than that of Sasquatch.

Secondly, this is the New York Times not some UK newspaper.  Location has to be a consideration as well.  While the New York Times considers itself a global newspaper, it's main audience is still the people of the United States.  A discovery in the USA definitely trumps that of a UK one.

The good news for me as the front page editor of The New York Times is this, there is room for three headlines above the fold of the front page.  So while Sasquatch will get top billing on the top right corner, all three stories will be there to see.

 

Episode VII. What is the Ancient Fear?

If you were the Jedi Order what would you fear?

To answer that question we’ll borrow a line from Jedi Master Yoda.  In Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace, Yoda says, "Always two there are, no more, no less. A master and an apprentice.”  The Star Wars universe has established this as the Rule of 2.  According to Star Wars Wikipedia page the Rule of 2 is defined as “that there must be only two Sith Lords at a time: a master to embody power, and an apprentice to crave it and eventually overthrow his master and adopt an apprentice of his own.”

The ancient fear referred to in the working title for Episode VII is simple; the Sith are no longer following the Rule of 2.



A master and an apprentice.

In the six previous installments of the Star Wars franchise we’ve always seen the Jedi battling one Dark Lord of the Sith at a time with brief moments against two at the end of each of the trilogies. Think about a movie where the likes of Darth Maul, Darth Tyranus, Darth Vader, and Darth Sidious were all on the screen at the same time, would that be something you were interested in watching? 

We're facing the realistic possibility of three films where Luke Skywalker and a fragile new Jedi Order are faced with the daunting task of battling numerous Sith Lords.  Count me in for that.

*Just to elaborate on this a little more, here is how I would have the story play out.  I would have the back story be that Christopher Lee's character (Count Dooku/Darth Tyranus), having been a member of the Jedi order, never truly saw the rational behind the Rule of 2.  Dooku decides to take on his own apprentice in secret and thus sets the ball in motion for a Sith Academy on a remote planet.  Based on his age, the character that Max von Sydow is playing would make sense to be Dooku's former apprentice and master of the Sith academy.  In the 50 years since Dooku's death, the academy very well could have amassed hundreds of Sith Lords who finally feel the time is right to strike and usher in the age of the Sith Order.

Straight to Video

Happy Cinco de Mayo!
You have to love any holiday that is celebrated more in the good old USA than the country of its origin, Mexico.  Either people will make any excuse to drink excessively or they really hate the French.  I'm going with binge drinking as the logic behind the Cinco de Mayo craze here in the states but just incase you're someone who hates the French, Napoleon also died on Cinco de Mayo.  So double bonus for you.  Drink up.

Also on this date in history the Freedom 7 spacecraft put the first American, Alan Shepard, into outer space.  Here's a video which details the Mercury Program's Freedom 7 and Alan Shepard's historic flight.

 

Side note pertaining to Alan Shepard.  I recently finished reading Adventures in the Screen Trade by William Goldman.  In the book, Goldman dedicates a chapter to his experience of adapting the novel The Right Stuff by Tom Wolfe into a screenplay.  For those unfamiliar, The Right Stuff is a book about post WWII test pilots and the stories of Project Mercury astronauts selected by NASA for the space program one of whom was Alan Shepard.  Point being, The Right Stuff is now on my to read list. 

 

For those of you who don't read, no worries, they made a movie.

 

 



Beyond the Infinite

Watching those videos and writing that previous section got me to thinking about one of my favorite movies, 2001 A Space Odyssey directed by Stanley Kubrick.  One of the urban legends attached to the ground breaking and influential film is that the band Pink Floyd was considered to record the soundtrack for the film.  The story goes that the band were giving an advanced cut of the film and what today is known as their album Meddle was originally intended to be the soundtrack for the film.  I suppose this story came to be when some fan years later popped 2001 into the VCR while listening to Pink Floyd and Wallah! a perfect match.  Here is a video that syncs Pink Floyd's song Echoes with 2001 A Space Odyssey - Jupiter and Beyond the Infinite.  I strongly encourage you to watch the entire video but if you can't handle a 24 minute video I understand, skip ahead to the 15:15 mark.

 

 

 

Room 237



If you thought that theory was bizarre, well, it's only going to get stranger from here on out.  Probably the key component for the association between Pink Floyd and Stanley Kubrick's film in the above video was the invention of the VCR.  The VCR ushered in a new era of film watching where a fan could now repeatedly watch a film and perhaps find hidden messages or greater themes that may have previously alluded them in a single theater viewing. 

 

The movie Room 237 is a documentary that delves into this phenomena by letting fans of another Kubrick film, The Shining, expound upon their views of what was really transpiring on film.  I went to go see Room 237 the week of it's release at the IFC Center in NYC last year.  I became aware of the documentary several months prior when a writer I enjoy, Chuck Klosterman, wrote about his experience of seeing a screening of Room 237 at a film festival.  Needless to say I was fascinated with one theory in particular that dealt with Kubrick's previous film 2001 A Space Odyssey, NASA, and The Shining.  You starting to see how everything is coming together here?  We'll get into that theory next though.  First, for those interested in viewing the documentary, it is now available for viewing on Netflix.  Here is the trailer for Room 237.

 

 

 

Now to the mother of all conspiracies, the lunar landing.  One of the theories in the film Room 237 deals with the conspiracy that, after completing his work on 2001: A Space Odyssey, Kubrick was contacted by NASA to help them fake a filming of the upcoming Apollo 11 mission to the moon.  The story goes that the US government felt the public would not get behind any space mission without some semblance of live video and/or sound to go along with the mission.  Unable to send images and audio directly back to earth from astronauts, Kubrick was brought in to use the techniques he developed for 2001 and create images to package to the American public.  I'll leave it at that and hopefully let you discovery more on your own.  Here's a documentary, Dark Side of the Moon: Stanley Kubrick and the Fake Moon Landings, that goes into more depth about Kubrick's involvement with the lunar landing. 

  

 

 

 

While I personally, without a shadow of a doubt, believe that the Apollo 11 astronauts completed their mission to the surface of the moon, I also find it highly likely that the images from that first trip were faked on a soundstage somewhere.  

 

Funny that somehow wishing you a Happy Cinco de Mayo quickly escalated to faking the lunar landing.  If you needed an excuse to drink today, please feel free to use this post.   

May the Fourth Be With You.

 

What a busy week for Star Wars fans.  First we got word from Disney on changes to the EU.  Next we were given the cast announcement for Episode VII.  College Humor put out a video of Cantina Band auditions and finally we saw the trailer for Star Wars: Rebels that will be premiering on Disney XD this fall.  Let's tackle each of these topics one at a time.

 "A long time ago in a (ever expanding) galaxy far far away..."

Last week, Disney released this video which explains what the Expanded Universe is by having people who are trusted to bring new Star Wars stories to us today tell exceptional stories of how the EU effected them.  A major component of Star Wars is that George Lucas allowed for a external narrative to take place in the form of books, comics, video games, etc. within the Star Wars universe which became a tremendous part of most fans lives, myself included.  For those Star Wars fans, during the period between Return of the Jedi and The Phantom Menace, these stories thankfully bridged the gap and gave Star Wars fans something to do besides play with their action figures. 

The video goes on to explain that this segment of the Star Wars universe is not considered canon but all future Disney projects (movies, television shows, book, video games, etc.) will be overseen by a creative team to streamlined stories and all EU projects will thus be considered canon.  As far as I knew, previously the only things considered canon under Lucasfilm were the movies and the Clone Wars cartoon so this sounded great to me.  To create new stories for films under the new Disney leadership, the storyline from book would have to be ignored or in this case erased from the timeline.  Nothing surprising there at all.  I was however surprised to start reading around online and see that the overall reaction was quiet the opposite.

Most posts I read led me to believe that Star Wars fans were going to be tortured by an IT-O Interrogator Droid to purge their memories of all stories within the EU but as far as I know this isn't happening nor do I think an IT-O Interrogator Droid is capable of even doing that.  I can't honestly believe that fans had such delusions of grandeur that their favorite stories would be turned into the script for episodes VII, VIII and IX.  No one in their right mind should think that Disney should be forced to use the Thrawn Trilogy or say the Courtship of Princess Leia as a back story or that the movies should take place within the New Jedi Order stories.  That would be unfair and considering they paid $4 billion for the Star Wars property I'm glad they're creating their own story.

As for my story, in 1991 I was a ten year old Star Wars fanatic that had just recently fell in love with reading.  It was during the 1990-91 school year that I truly became enthusiastic about books.  My teacher introduced us to Roald Dahl through the books The BFG, The Witches, and of course Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  As a result, I would make my mother bring me to the Waldenbooks in the Newburgh Mall to purchase a new Dahl book every few weeks. I was amazed by the stories he told and went on to read close to 30 of his book by the fall of 1991.  I was on one of those trips to Waldenbooks, most likely to pick up a new Dahl book that I was first introduced to the Expanded Universe.

I can remember that the Dahl book were located in the back right corner of the store next to the register but I never made it anywhere near them that day.  Right front and center on the racks of new arrivals in the store entrance was a book with the forever recognizable Star Wars logo across the top.

 

Heir to the Empire was my first introduction into the Expanded Universe much like many other Star Wars fans from that time period.  In the months that followed, I found devouring the Dark Empire comic series, future book releases, The Lucasfilm Fan Club Magazine starting with issue #18 for me, the Star Wars Trilogy SNES games, and all subsequent material to follow across all platforms.

 

There was a seven year stretch there where I was consumed by all things Star Wars.  Luckily I was only tempted and did not give in to the power of the Darkside.   

“I never doubted you! Wonderful!”

With each passing day it seems I'm feeling better and better about the upcoming sequels.  While most of the names released as part of the cast for the upcoming Episode VII had been rumored, there were still a few names that caught me off guard.  I was unaware that either Andy Serkis or Max von Sydow were being considered for roles.  The Serkis casting means one thing, he will be portraying a character that will be created using CGI.  Serkis is best know for his motion caption action and his portrayal of Gollum in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.  I'm intrigued to hear about what type of character he will be portray.  An alien side kick?  Some evil alien?  Someone a la General Grievous or Darth Vader that is more machine then man?  As for Max von Sydow, my hopes are to see him in a Sith or Jedi deserter role.  While it is more probable that he will be portraying a senior military official.

                   
As for fears, who the cast consisted of never truly concerned me.  I was fearful as to how the screen time would break down.  Rumors continue to swirl that Harrison Ford will play a major part in the upcoming film which is great to hear.  However I'm still scared that Luke, Leia and Han are going to be written out of the story or killed off early on.  I can see them killing Luke at the end of Episode VII to mirror the death of Obi-Wan Kenobi in Episode IV.  That makes sense.  Abrams was successful mirroring the previous films in his reboot of the Star Trek franchise and I'm sure it would work just as well with Star Wars. 

As for my ideal storyline that would fall in with what we know so far, I'd have Luke working to reestablish the Jedi Order, Leia working as a Senator or Supreme Chancellor in the New Republic, and Han sitting around yearning for the glory days of yesteryear.  The Imperial Alliance still survives on the outer rim but is fading away.  A distress signal reaches the capital through the Senate and Leia approaches Luke about sending Jedi to investigate.  Han volunteers to transport the Young Jedi himself having previous experience with the planet and the system from his smuggling days.  Of course Chewie is along for the ride.  When they arrive on the Planet they are ambushed by Imperials that either have a new secret weapon or, even better, a new Sith leader.  While most of the crew escapes a few were killed and one or two are feared to have been taken alive.  Sensing the threat, (here's where JJ gets his movie mirror moment)  Luke travel to the outer rim to confront our new Sith but falls to him in front of our Young Jedi heroes.  Perhaps while Han is away with the new Jedi Knights, you could have Luke revisit the message and spend his time searching through the remains of the old Jedi archives for information pertaining to the message in the distress signal.  Maybe it's that they are traveling to the home world of the Sith, maybe the name is of someone dating back to the time of Episodes I-III. 

Regardless of how the storyline plays out, I would love to see Luke either searching for and finding or already possessing and viewing archived hologram data from the old Jedi Temple.  How cool would it be to see Luke watch a recording of the Ewan McGregor/Obi-Wan Kenobi.  While many people were unhappy with Episodes I-III, tying all the eventual 9 movies together would serve Abrams well. 

Mos Eisley spaceport: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

It appears Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes held auditions.  Excuse me while I go dust off my Omnni Box. 

You Rebel Scum!

So it is Star Wars Day and Disney released a one minute trailer of the upcoming Star Wars: Rebels show. 

The Star Wars: Rebels series takes place in the time period between Episodes III and IV.  With that being said, it was unclear what this series would consist of but I was relieved to see both a Jedi and a Sith featured during this clip.  I hadn't followed the production of Rebels so I was uncertain if there would be any Jedi survivors included in the story. 

I'm curious to see if R2-D2 or C-3PO are involved in the story at some point.  This could end up being the first Star Wars film or television program not to feature R2-D2 and C-3PO outside of the two Ewok TV movies. I'm curious, with Disney's new EU, are the Ewok movies still considered canon?    

THE SCIENCE OF SELLING YOURSELF SHORT

Our story starts this past Thursday night.  After two months of saying I need to see The Wolf of Wall Street, I finally decided to give the movie a watch.  This is not a review of the movie however.  This is more a story of how my experiences affected the way I view the movie.  Also, while it’s not necessary, this will all probably make a lot more sense to someone who has seen The Wolf of Wall Street.  Having seen Boiler Room is an added bonus.

For those of you who don’t know me, I worked as a stock broker for a brief period of my life.  In the summer of 2007, I decided I should try to start a career at some point and began searching for potential jobs.  While contemplating my future, the thought of being a stock broker finally manifested itself on a Sunday night.  At 3 A.M.  So I did what anyone else would do at 3 A.M. on a Sunday night, I began scouring Craigslist. 

I was relieved to find three firms that posted "no experience necessary" and gladly emailed a copy of my resume to each and went to bed feeling better about myself.  Then, much to my surprise, two of the offices called and left voice messages while I was sleeping to the butt-crack of noon.

I called and set up an interview with one of these two firms for the following day, which was Tuesday for those keeping track. This is still the most bizarre interview I’ve ever been on.

In general, every interview is a variation of the same story.  The interviewer asks a series of questions to qualify you as a candidate.  Why did you leave your last job?  What are your strengths and weaknesses?  Tell me about your responsibilities at your last job?  You get the idea.  You’re there to sell yourself.  Here’s why you should choose me. 

This interview was different however.  The managing partner gave me a hard sell on why I should work there and why their firm is a better option than other firms on "The Street".  I was told the background of the managing partners and how "what they learned at Lehman Brothers" would enable me to be successful at their firm.  He follows that up with, “If you become an employee at this firm you will make your first million within three years.” What?!    

       

I had seen Boiler Room in the theater and realized he was stealing his pitch straight from the movie.  I didn't care.  I was seeing dollar signs and ate that shit up.  Just because he was quoting Ben Affleck didn't mean shit.  I'm going to be filthy rich.  I went to the interview hoping to find a job to potentially make $100k a year and buy a house.  The interview wasn't over and I'm going to be a multi-millionaire now.  Man, was I fucking stupid.

For those who haven't seen Boiler Room it's basically The Wolf of Wall Street except told through the eyes of a low level employee at the firm who is played by Giovanni Ribisi.  Definitely worth the watch and while we're on the subject of Boiler Room, I obviously took the job after the interview but that was not the only aspect of this job that echoed the movie.  This office loved to refer to anyone possible as a "piker."  For those unfamiliar with the term piker, a piker is a stingy or cautious person. So, the guy on the phone won't buy shares? He's a piker.  You don't want to get drinks after work? You're a piker.  Alex Rodriguez went 0-4 last night? He's a fucking piker.  You get the idea.  This office also had one rule.  If you have seen Boiler Room I'm sure you've already guessed it, "Don't pitch the bitch." 

Back to the interview. After 15 minutes of what, in hindsight, appears to have been a cocaine fueled sermon he finally asked his one and only question. 

Can you sell me this pen?

Flash forward to Thursday night.  I'm watching Leo work his magic and he says, "Sell me this pen."

Fuck me.  I've spent the last seven years thinking, "What's the best way to sell a pen?"  I've even prepped an answer in the event that I'm ever asked again.  I've told the selling the pen story countless times and never once encountered anyone who had been asked to "sell the pen" at any point and now it's a major part of an Academy Award nominated picture. (I've since Google searched it and found that it is a common question during interviews for sales positions.)  While I was enjoying the movie, I was also someone bitter.

As I said, I was offered the job and took it.  Everyday I'd commute the two hours, door to door, into work.  I'd spend 12 hours per day on the phone being berated by secretaries all while making $300 every two weeks.  But the money was coming so I stuck it out.

Flash forward to Friday morning.  Having watched the movie the previous night, my experience working on Wall Street was just as fresh to me in my mind as the movie and so I found myself doing something I haven't done in years.  I went online to read the "What's New" section of the Wall Street Journal.

Back when I was working on Wall Street, one of the first lessons I received was that if I looked over and read the "What's New" section I would learn all I needed for the day.  For those unfamiliar with "What's New", it is basically a summary of the big news both in finance and worldwide for the day.

So this is where things got weird for me.  Back to Friday morning.  The first bullet I read is about how Herbalife is being investigated by the FBI for fraud.  So why is that weird? Well it's not on its own, so let us go back to 2007 to make it weird.

But first, some background.  The firm I worked for was modeled after these firms that were shut down for illegal trading but weren't exactly performing illegal trades themselves.  The model at the firm I worked for was to target stocks that were hopefully going to see a significant jump in price in a 2 to 4 month period and then they would sell all holdings for a profit.  So where most large firms look to grow wealth over time and hold positions on certain stocks for years at a time, we were essential Churning accounts to generate commissions. For those unfamiliar Churning is the practice of executing a trade strictly to generate commission and it's against security law. By churning the account my firm would be able to charge their 4% commission 3 to 6 times a year as opposed to the one time at most large firms.  But by being very particular about what type of investors they dealt with, they avoided accusations of account churning and having to forfeit commissions.  Quiet clever actually.

So. 2007.  These 3 to 6 positions I mentioned were accompanied by an elaborate and comprehensive story written by the firms' analyst to sell investors on the stock.  Now picture Leo on the phone in the movie talking up his tech company that was actually a garage.  While these were well known companies we were selling the model was exactly the same.  Give the customer thorough details about the company, ask for them to join you on a small purchase and then wait.  Silence is awkward.  When the excuse came, we had a Rolodex of rebuttals waiting to hit them with before getting back to the script.  Repeat until they buy.  You get the idea.

So the first of these scripts I got my hands on focused on a guy named Bill Ackman. Here's a synopsis of that script.  Ackman was and is the CEO of a hedge fund, Pershing Square Capital Management.  In 2005, Ackman and Pershing Square Capital acquired a large stake in Wendy's International (burger joint) and sold off their Tim Horton's doughnut chain thus giving the company an influx of cash and driving the stock price up, creating great profits for his hedge fund.  Now he was targeting none other than the Target Corporation.

The script went on to explain that the Target Corporation had its own in house credit card for customers and all the land that Target stores were built on.  So we would tell potential clients that Ackman was likely to spin those off much like he did with Tim Horton's to generate profit for his hedge fund.  Ackman's going to make a ton of money on this deal, why shouldn't you? 

So we're essentially dealing the definition of a corporate raider there and for those curious at home, Ackman didn't end up doing either of the two things we told clients he was likely to do.

So, since leaving Wall Street I've found myself still paying attention to the people and companies in these scripts such as Ackman.

Which brings us back to Friday.  A refresher, Herbalife was now being investigated by the FBI for possible fraud.  The reason why this is significant to my story is that Bill Ackman and Pershing Square Capital Management were selling short a position on Herbalife and very publically claimed that Herbalife is a Ponzi scheme.  A short position or selling short is when someone sells stocks on the open market without actually owning the stock.  Idea being that they believe the prize will drop drastically and they will be able to buy the stock at a lower price to fulfill the sale and make a profit.       

So here I was several years later and those events were still impacting my life.  Watching The Wolf of Wall Street brought me back to a time in my life that I had looked at as an epic failure.  My own experiences forbade me from even enjoying a simple movie of similar subject matter.  I was bitter.  Bitter that my becoming a stock broker coincided with the 2007 stock market crash and that my life seemed to mirror and crash in similar fashion.

But in the subsequent days I've taken time to look back on how those experiences, that I've looked at as this monumental defeat, have influenced the decisions and choices I've made in life for the better.

The point being that with time and reflection even the lowest of moments will yield positive results from a certain point of view.   

Turns out I was selling myself short because somehow through the experience I learned how to sell a pen. 

Top 25 Donruss Diamond King Cards

From 1982-1996 the Donruss baseball card company produced the Diamond Kings series. Each year, the series would feature a player who starred the previous season from each MLB team and Donruss relied on artist Dick Perez to captured the players' likenesses.  After rummaging through my old baseball cards, I decided to formulate a list of my favorite Donruss Diamond Kings cards by using a combination of aesthetic value, player's performance, and most importantly, did the card make me laugh. 

25. 1982 - Pete Rose:

What better place to start this list than with the first ever card in the Diamond Kings series and the all-time hits king.  The series got off to a great start with "Charlie Hustle" as card #1 in the 1982 set.    

 

24. 1985 - Alvin Davis: 

 

 

After winning the A.L. Rookie of the year in 1984, Davis was featured in the 1985 set.  Davis wins the award for "best smile" in the series.  He clearly was a big fan of the Diamond Kings Series and couldn't hold back his feelings of joy and elation for being included. 

23. 1986 - Dwight Gooden: 

In 1986, Gooden was coming off a statistically dominant Cy Young Award winning season for the Mets.  I particularly enjoy the single straight line in the background of this card.  An unfortunate but simple foreshadowing of how Gooden's career flat-lined soon afterwards. 

 

22. 1987 - Rick Rhoden: 

Where to start with this card?  How about the terrible stripped Pirates hats?  Perhaps the mustache?  How about the colorful specs of confetti sprinkled around him?  Rhoden appears to be the guest of honor for a party in his name and he couldn't be happier.

 21. 1987 - Jose Canseco: 

This card falls under the category "Best of the Worst."  Canseco comes off looking like a 5'2'' Italian guy named Sal in this depiction instead of being the imposing 6'4'' Cuban-American slugger.  In a youth filled with collecting Jose Canseco baseball cards, I somehow never stumbled across this Diamond Kings card.  Just to set the record straight, it was worth the wait.            

 

20. 1986 - Willie McGee: 

In 1985 Willie was the N.L. MVP.  So fittingly he was featured as the Cardinals representative in Diamond Kings.  For those who never saw McGee, this is a very accurate and well represented painting of him.  McGee wasn't known for his movie star good looks, but he could definitely hit and was a major component of "Whiteyball" for the St. Louis Cardinals.

19. 1996 - Juan Gonzalez: 

At first glance, this portrait appeared to be a simple and straightforward depiction of Juan Gon.  On closer examination however, I noticed the subtle difference in color behind his ear and that his mullet was within view.  Well played Mr. Perez.  Well played.   

18. 1996 - Larry Walker: 

Without question, 1996 was a great year for mullets.  Walker's mane was second to none in the mid-90s as you can tell from this card.  I have to think they chose a side profile just to incorporate the full breadth of Walker's mullet.  The pure volume and extent of this mullet can only be described as intense.  

 

17. 1983 - Rollie Fingers: 

Fingers appears deep in thought while looking to the distance. Perhaps contemplating the vastness of space and time or pondering over the human search for meaning.  It's conceivable that Fingers was determining what do to with his free time knowing he would miss the entire 1983 season.  More accurately though Fingers was giving his, famous waxed handle bar, mustache  the best possible angle to achieve greatness on this card.   
 

16. 1984 - Wade Boggs: 

After his massive 1983 season, Boggs was selected as a Diamond King.  The 1984 set was the one year from 1982-1993 that strayed away from the ribbon like template and used a design similar to MLB playoff bunting.  The one thing I took away from the 1984 series, besides that, was that it was, without a doubt, the peak of the polyester pull over jersey in the MLB.  In fact, I wish a couple teams would bring the look back full time today. 
 

15. 1988 - Ivan Calderon: 

What exactly is going on behind Calderon in this pic?  Not sure if something exploded or if he's supposed to be on a bad drug trip.  He does appear to be a bit uncomfortable.  Much like the murder of Calderon, it appears this mystery will remain unsolved.  On a more positive note though, the Diamond Kings from 1987-1990 featured some great background art, none better however than the radiating Ivan Calderon.

14. 1990 - Bo Jackson: 

Jackson was a two sports star who was nothing short of a revolutionary athlete before flaming out due to injury.  Luckily Bo left us with some amazing material, such as commercials, hand held games, and cartoons to forever remember him by.  While it is debatable where Bo falls on the list of greatest athletes of all time, without any doubt Bo will forever be known as the greatest video game athlete of all time.   

13. 1991 - Roger Clemens: 

During my years of collecting baseball cards, the 1991 Diamond Kings collection was my favorite subset from any of the major card producers.  This is the first of a few entries from the epic 1991 series.  1991 was the first year that Perez switched from the standard portrait model to include action shots into the series.  The action shots used in the 1991 Diamond Kings set, such as this one of Roger Clemens, are the type of paintings you'd hope for when preserving the history of baseball.     

12. 1988 - Andre Dawson: 

Once again we have a player coming off of a MVP season looking absolutely ecstatic in his portrait.  "The Hawk" had just escaped the career shortening AstroTurf of Olympic Stadium in Montreal and won the MVP during the 1987 season, his first with the Chicago Cubs.  Dawson surprisingly is the third of four Hall of Famers on this list.  That number will more than likely double in the upcoming years however.   

11. 1990 - Dave Stewart: 

There were few pitchers in baseball as good as Stewart in the late 80's and early 90's and by looking at the smirk on his face, he knew it all too well.  Stewart put together four straight 20 plus win seasons from 1987 to 1990 for the Oakland Athletics, finishing in the top 4 of the Cy Young Award voting each year but failing to every win the award. 

10. 1990 - Ken Griffey Jr:

From the outset of his career, Griffey Jr. was looked upon as the player who would pass Hank Aaron as the all-time Home Run King, that was until personal injuries and the use of steroids by a particular rival derailed that.  There was no hotter baseball cards to collect during that time period than a Griffey Jr card.  I purchased the entire1990 Diamond King series from a dealer simply because of the inclusion of this card.   

9. 1982 - Gorman Thomas: 

Thomas was a bit before my time with his last season, 1986, corresponding with the first season I can remember following baseball and also having this card of his.  After looking over his career stats, I've drawn the conclusion that, at best, he was a poor man's Pat "the Bat" Burrell.  Frequent strikeouts, low batting average, and an abundance of home runs are key components in reaching cult like status with MLB fan bases.  No surprise why he was popular in Milwaukee.   

8. 1991 - Rafael Palmeiro: 

Palmeiro came off a solid campaign in 1990, but his career had not taking the step to the next level yet.  I'd like to think that Palmeiro saw this card and said, "Look at the anticipation in my eyes.  Look at the confidence I have to make the play."  That was all it took.  Palmeiro knew he had to do whatever it took going forward to become the player on this card no matter risk to body or reputation.  The rest is history. 

7. 1989 - Chris Sabo:        

If we've learned anything throughout the history of baseball it is that solid play combined with a unique style or look will allow said player to amass a large following.  As you can tell Sabo's goggles were 90 percent of his allure to fans.  Dick Perez is no fool either.  Clearly he decided to use visible rays of light that have refracted off of Sabo's goggles to create a mesmerizing background.   
 

6. 1992 - Jeff Bagwell & Frank Thomas(Tied): 

 

Two iconic players from the 1990's highlight the 1992 series.  Bagwell and Thomas are forever linked for being born on the same day and now they can add this countdown to that bond they eternally share.  You're welcome gentleman.   

5. 1991 - Craig Biggio: 

From 1982-1990 Perez experimented with different art styles throughout the individual series but in 1991 settled on the use of a solid color with fading for the background.  The 91 series also included some of Perez's most profound and detailed works with none more exceptional than this portrait of Hall of Famer to be Craig Biggio.         

4. 1993 - Ryne Sandberg:

In the 92 and 93 series, Perez continued the progression of the Diamond Kings by removing the border surrounding the cards.  By making such a simple change the Diamond Kings series went from looking like a simple baseball card to a work of art worthy of accompanying a player such as Ryne Sandberg into the Hall of Fame.    

3. 1994 - Don Mattingly:

  Affectionately known as "the hitman", few players looked better at the plate and more prepared to bat than Donny Baseball.  I've been a Yankee fan my entire life (I know I'm being a bit of a homer with this pick) and have had the privileged of witnessing five championship teams but there was never a moments when Yankee Stadium was rocking quite like this during those title runs.  The image of Mattingly at the plate brings back fond memories of a youth gone by.   

2. 1996 - Mark McGwire: 

Throughout the 15 year series, no portrait captures a player essence better than this painting of Big Mac.  A modern day Paul Bunyan, McGwire traded in the ax for a bat in this tall tale.  1996 started a four year tear where McGwire hit over 50 home runs each season and in 1998 set a then Major League Record of 70 home runs in a season.  Like any other tall tale, it turned out elements of McGwire's exploits were exaggerated and loom large over his accomplishments.   
  

1. 1994 - Dick Perez: 

Taking the top spot is the master himself, Dick Perez.  Previously Perez had been featured on checklists for the Diamond Kings series but in 1994 he added himself to the collection.  This card is a fitting tribute to the man responsible for one the signature baseball card series throughout the 80s and 90s.  Thank you Mr. Perez.  Thank you.   


 

I hope you enjoyed the countdown.  Feel free to check out all of the cards in the Diamond Kings collection right here and continue your own trip down memory lane.  Apologies to the 1995 set which was the only year that failed to be featured in the countdown.  I suppose Perez is granted a one year hangover period after having included himself in the 1994 series.